Chuck Norris's keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Q: Did you hear about the Hungarian who thought his wife was trying to kill him? A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Hungarian Remover".
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once, I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!
Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
When Chuck Norris pokes you on Facebook, you die.
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
If Chuck Norris is after you, don't bother killing yourself, he'll pull you down from heaven and kill you again.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.