A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
A local charity organization realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the donation seeker mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The person coming for donation began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister`s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer`s voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The person who came asking for donation felt completely humiliated and said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don`t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago?
Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood....
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Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
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Q: What's the difference between a bullet and a Jew?
A: A bullet actually comes out of its chamber.
Bruce Lee didn't die from an allergic reaction.
He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
Q: What's the difference between my phone and Stephen Hawking?
A: When my phone dies, I actually give a fuck.
Count from one to ten.
That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you... Forty seven times.
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Yo mama is so black, she died on the sun.
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