The best death jokes

You might kill two birds with one stone, but Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.
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has 82.15 % from 302 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris was once shot. The bullet died.
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has 82.13 % from 239 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?" "Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day." "But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
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has 82.13 % from 631 votes. More jokes about: dad, death, school, teacher
A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place". But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here." The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK". St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.". The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!". St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".
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has 82.08 % from 82 votes. More jokes about: age, death, heaven, lawyer
In "I Am Legend", Will Smith survived alone for years. 24 hours after a woman shows up, he dies. AND that girl stole his bacon.
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has 82.00 % from 102 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, death, women
Who's the biggest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
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has 81.88 % from 407 votes. More jokes about: death, dirty, game, history
How are a lawyer and a prostitute different? The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.
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has 81.74 % from 582 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, lawyer
Q: What's a hipster's favorite profession? A: Mortician. All of his work is 6 feet underground.
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has 81.69 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: death, hipster, work
An old football player was dying. So he called her wife and told her: "My dearest you see I'm dying. May you confess how many times you have done betrays against me during your life?" Her spouse said: "Forgive me, my dear, only 3 times: 1. Do you remember it was so difficult to admit you as a football player in the team? So I went to the couch and did something. That was the cause for you to be a player in the team. 2. Do you remember when you entered the team no body didn't pass you? I went to 10 others players so they changed a friendly treatment during half times. 3. Do you remember during matching nobody of 30000 viewers didn't encourage you? I did something..."
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has 81.57 % from 388 votes. More jokes about: death, football, friendship, relationship, sex
Question: What happened to the only man that finally figured women out? Answer: He died laughing.
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has 81.39 % from 92 votes. More jokes about: death, women
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