The best death jokes

You are so old, if you to acted your age, you'd die.
Vote: has 80.35 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, death, insulting
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself
Vote: has 80.29 % from 170 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help. One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker and the other is gay. The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die. So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist. He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"
Vote: has 80.20 % from 344 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, dirty, doctor, gay, music
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Vote: has 79.96 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, women
When you die on Earth you go to hell. When you die in hell you go to Chuck Norris' house.
Vote: has 79.94 % from 144 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars. "Every blonde in the world will get two million." The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man. Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men. The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. "Now for your third wish." said the genie. "See that stick over there?", asked the brunette, "I want you to beat me half to death with it."
Vote: has 79.93 % from 97 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde, death, genie, men, money
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
Vote: has 79.77 % from 137 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, death, IT, programmer
Chuck norris once killed a bear with an imaginary knife.
Vote: has 79.71 % from 78 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
You might kill two birds with one stone, but Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.
Vote: has 79.58 % from 147 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. "My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
Vote: has 79.57 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beauty, death, funeral, money, mother in law