Aaron Hernandez goes to prison as a tight end.
He'll come out a wide receiver! 
If you think your life is bad, how would you like to be an egg?
You get laid once in life, you only get eatten once in life, It takes 4 min to get hard, but only 2 min. to get soft, you share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.
Pass this to someone who needs a good lay, sorry I mean day.
"Mom, where do tampons go?"
"Where the babies come from, darling."
"In a stork?
We're like hot chocolate and marshmallows...
You're hot and I wanna be on top of you.
Why was the BLIND blonde sitting on newspaper?
So she can lip read.
A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street.
He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish."
The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka."
When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses.
She asks what they'll be drinking.
He tells her he can piss vodka and demonstrates for her.
It was the best vodka they'd ever had.
The next night the Russian guy comes home tired and tells his wife to get one glass.
She asks, "Why only one glass?"
"Because tonight," he says, "you should drink from the bottle."
Q: What do you get when you mix chocolate and Viagra?
A: Oooh - Henry!
What is the geographical definition of s*x?
Ans: It is an action done by the polland in the holland between the thailand with the little help of greece.
Your legs are like an Oreo Cookie - I wanna split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle.