The best divorce jokes

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."
Vote:
has 74.72 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: bar, divorce, lawyer, travel, vulgar
A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week." "That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Vote:
has 74.54 % from 66 votes. More jokes about: divorce, husband, lawyer, money
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Vote:
has 73.56 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: divorce, lawyer, love, Valentines day
A man consulted his priest about getting a divorce. The priest was surprised. "Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely wife? She is soft and gentle and, if I may say so, she is also quite beautiful and nicely proportioned. I really can’t see what you have to complain about." The man took off his shoe. "See this shoe," he said, showing it to the priest, "The leather is soft and gentle. It is a beautiful piece of work and nicely proportioned." "Ah"” said the priest, "a parable." "In a way, Father," replied the man. "I’m the only one who knows it pinches."
Vote:
has 72.31 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: divorce, love, men, priest, wife
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks. “Not really,” says Mary. “Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John. “No,” she responds. “What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.” Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?” “John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary. John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”
Vote:
has 72.27 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, car, divorce, men, wife
I lost 125 pounds. It took me a long time, and it cost me a lot of money, but I finally divorced the bitch!
Vote:
has 70.92 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: divorce, mean, money, time
"I want a divorce"! "But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part." "I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you."
Vote:
has 66.69 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: black humor, church, death, divorce, wedding
Doctor: "And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?" Patient: "Very well, I've been divorced for half a year now."
Vote:
has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: divorce, doctor, life, relationship
Q: What's the distinction between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you dispose of the entire prick.
Vote:
has 63.17 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: divorce, life
Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll? A: All Ken's stuff.
Vote:
has 63.07 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: divorce, marriage