The best divorce jokes

Q:How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:None, the sockets go with the house.
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has 56.05 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: divorce, light bulb, men
Signs You're No Longer in College... You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close. Your potted plants stay alive. You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill. Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces. You attend parties that the police don't raid. You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking. You refer to college students as "those kids." You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza. At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out. Naps are no longer weekday options. Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy. Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips. You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.
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has 55.88 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: college, divorce, food, marriage, money
Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain one guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced." The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces." The first man replies, "No, I just got married".
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has 54.42 % from 99 votes. More jokes about: divorce, marriage
Me: What do you call someone who isn't sure if they like egg nog or not? Wife: What? Me: An Eggnogstic. Wife: This is grounds for divorce.
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has 54.13 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: divorce, life, wife
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
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has 54.04 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: communication, divorce, marriage, wife
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: "Have you any grounds?" "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home." "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It made of concrete." "I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" "No, we have carport, and not need one." "I mean. What are your relations like?" "All my relations still in Poland." "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player." "Does your wife beat you up?" "No, I always up before her." "Is your wife a nagger?" "No, she white." "Why do you want this divorce?" "She going to kill me." "What makes you think that?" "I got proof." "What kind of proof?" "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom." "I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover.'"
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has 49.25 % from 219 votes. More jokes about: black people, divorce, lawyer, marriage, wife
Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision? A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
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has 48.41 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: divorce, marriage
Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
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has 47.14 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: divorce, redneck
Q: If marriage is terrific what is divorce? A: Ten thousand!
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has 35.28 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: divorce, marriage, money
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
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has 34.94 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: divorce, women
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