This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight..."
An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist's couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him.
"Nonsense", says his doctor. "Everyone in the world doesn't hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."
Vote:
"Doctor, I have a problem..."
"What’s your problem?"
"I pee in my sleep, every night!"
"Why?"
"Oh, well... Every night, a little devil visits me in my sleep and asks me; “Did we pee today?”.
"And, that’s it? The solution is so simple.. Listen to me! If the little devil comes again you’re gonna answer; 'Yeah, dude, I did!'"
"And that will cut it off?"
"Sure! Like a knife!"
At night, the little devil showed up on the patient’s dream and whispered;
"Did we pee today?"
"Yeah, dude, I did!" said angry the guy.
And little devil replied: "What about poop?"
Vote:
Dan staggers into the shower.
He notices that his d**k is bright orange.
He feels normal, but he's concerned and goes to the doctor.
After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests are normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?"
Dan says, "No. All I did was stay home, watch porno movies and eat Cheetos."
Vote:
My dotor told me: "I've tow news for U; one good and the other one bad, which one do U prefer to hear first?"
I replied I prefer the good one.
Doctor: "U will die after next 24 hours!"
I told: "Then what is the bad newsrnDoctor: "I forgot to tell U yesterday!"
A Democrat walks into a doctor's office with a frog sitting on his head.
The frog looks at the doctor and says, "Hey doc, can you get this wart off my ass?
Cloyd went to a Charleston dentist complaining his gums had shriveled up and his teeth were falling out.
After examining him, the dentist said, "Your mouth is really bad. Do you brush?"
"Ah sure do!" replied Cloyd. "Everee single day!"
"What do you brush with?" asked the dentist.
"Preparation H," said the redneck.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ?
The logician replies: "yes".
Two junior doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital.
A senior consultant had to pull them apart.
"What's all this about?" asked the consultant angrily.
"It's the Tax Inspector in C ward," said one.
"He's only got 2 days to live."
"He had to be told." said the second doctor.
"I know," said the first, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!"
A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."