Patient: "I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber at this time of night." Doctor: "Don’t worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Kill two birds with one stone."
Yo' Mama is so poor, my jack-o-lantern gets better dental work then she does.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’” A small voice from the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s still old, nasty, and wrinkled”
A man went to doctor, "Doctor every night in my dream I am playing soccer." Doctor say, "Take these pills, they will help you sleep better." The man, "I can't take them, tonight is the final game."
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
I don't understand why people pay shrinks when I'll tell them what's wrong with themselves for free.
Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?" Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."
A man went to visit his doctor. “Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. “Hello, Doctor, says the arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!” “Aha!" says the doctor, "I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”
An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.” “I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.” “Great,” the blonde answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.” A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!” “I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!” “That may be true,” answered the blonde wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!
Patient: "I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors." Doctor: "Why didn’t you come to me earlier?"