The best doctor jokes

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
Vote: has 78.09 % from 444 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, doctor, food, women
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey? He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”
Vote: has 78.06 % from 49 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: doctor, food, men, wife
Christian Doctor: "Your recovery was a miracle!" Christian Patient: "Thank God! Now I don't have to pay you."
Vote: has 77.74 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: christian, customer service, doctor, money
Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my privates are too small." he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused. "Ah. There's your problem. It shrinks things, those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow." Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc. "No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"
Vote: has 77.74 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beer, doctor, sex, time, wife
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. "I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."
Vote: has 77.53 % from 59 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, death, doctor, office, time
A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
Vote: has 77.46 % from 393 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dad, doctor, lawyer, little Johnny, teacher
A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
Vote: has 77.33 % from 147 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, dirty, doctor, sex
Doctor: "Liquor is a slow poison for you." Patient: "It’s all-right. I’m not in a hurry."
Vote: has 77.03 % from 41 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, doctor
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
Vote: has 76.95 % from 89 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: doctor, military
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory." Friend: "What did he do?" Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Vote: has 76.89 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: doctor, friendship, health, memory, money