The best family jokes

A father tells his son to stop jacking off. "You'll go blind if you do that too much!" he says. The son says "uh, I'm over here dad."
Vote: has 62.50 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dad, family, health, masturbation
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family: "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied: "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
Vote: has 62.39 % from 74 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: computer, dad, family, IT
This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy. They see two dogs going at it. The little kid says "Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?" The father says "Ahh, they're making a puppy." That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddy's on top driving it home to mama! The little kid says "Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?" He says "Oh, were making it a baby." The kid say "Turn her over, I want a puppy!"
Vote: has 62.22 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, family, kids, sex
Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, your family prays after they eat.
Vote: has 61.63 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, food, religious, Yo mama
Yo Momma's so fat that when she sits on the beach, whales swim up to her and sing "We are family…!"
Vote: has 61.28 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, fat, Yo mama
Once a teacher asked one of her students to memorize the numbers from 1-10. And that night when he was memorizing he saw his mother drinking 7up, so the next day the teacher asked the student to say the numbers that he memorized so he replied," 1-2-3-4-5-6-8-9-10". The teacher was confused so she asked the student," Where is the 7" so he said," my mom drank it last night!"
Vote: has 61.28 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, math, memory, teacher
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. "Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!" "But..." stammers the driver. "Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn"t take him long. "Right!" snarls the Highlander. "Du it agin, now!" So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand. "Du it again!" says the Highlander. "I can"t do it any more - you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man. The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, "All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"
Vote: has 60.69 % from 38 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: driving, family, masturbation, travel, women
Q: What does the BFI on the dumpsters stand for? A: Black Family Inside.
Vote: has 60.63 % from 99 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black people, family, racist
There is a 3 story apartment building with 1 apartment on each floor. A white family lives on the top floor. A mexican family lives on the second floor. A nigger family lives on the botom floor. At 2:00 PM in the afternoon a terrrible tornado hits the building, totally destroying it. Which family lived? The White family, because both parents were at work and the kids were in school.
Vote: has 59.89 % from 46 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, racist, school, weather
The judge: Why did you shoot the rabbit without being a member of the hunters association? The inculpated: Why did the rabbit eat cabbage from my garden, without being a family member?
Vote: has 59.19 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, family, hunting, lawyer