The best family jokes

Q: What do you call a family full of cancer patients? A: Jason Voorhees' relatives.
Vote: has 67.88 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, health, medical
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. "Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!" "But..." stammers the driver. "Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn"t take him long. "Right!" snarls the Highlander. "Du it agin, now!" So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand. "Du it again!" says the Highlander. "I can"t do it any more - you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man. The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, "All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"
Vote: has 67.85 % from 55 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: driving, family, masturbation, travel, women
If you look back far enough in your family tree, Chuck Norris appears at least three times.
Vote: has 67.69 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, family
I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight. It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
Vote: has 67.64 % from 28 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, death, family, Halloween, time
A woman gave her two sons to different families for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and called Amal. The second child goes to Spain and is called Juan. Many years later, Juan sends his mother a photo of himself. She turns to her sister saying that she wished that she had a photo of her other son. The sister responded "Hey, they are identical twins. If you have seen Juan, you have seen Amal."
Vote: has 67.34 % from 43 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, family
What is the perfect Father's Day gift? Taking your Mom away on a vacation with you.
Vote: has 66.71 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, Fathers day, holiday
Dad: "Who do you think the committee screwed this year?" Me: "Mom."
Vote: has 66.60 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, family, time, work
That moment when you notice that one fork isn't really very clean when you're laying the table and you have to decide which family member you like the least.
Vote: has 66.45 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, disgusting, family, food
Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team. "I blame the general manager," said the first fan. "If he signed better players, we'd be a great team." "I blame the players," said the 
second fan. "If they made more of 
an effort, we'd score some points." "I blame my parents," said the third. "If I'd been born in Seattle, 
I'd be supporting a decent team."
Vote: has 65.48 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, football, geography, management, sport
Q: What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl? A: "Just flush it like everybody else does."
Vote: has 65.48 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde, communication, dirty, family, stupid