The best family jokes

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear. The judge asks the baby bear, "Do you want to live with papa bear?" The baby bear replied, "No he beats me." The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"
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has 62.63 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: divorce, family, sport
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window. After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
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has 62.19 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, family, fart, nurse, old people
Teacher: "Who can tell what is a mammal? Little Johnny: "My grand mother!"
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has 62.15 % from 115 votes. More jokes about: family, little Johnny, mean, old people, teacher
Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team. "I blame the general manager," said the first fan. "If he signed better players, we'd be a great team." "I blame the players," said the 
second fan. "If they made more of 
an effort, we'd score some points." "I blame my parents," said the third. "If I'd been born in Seattle, 
I'd be supporting a decent team."
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has 62.10 % from 49 votes. More jokes about: family, football, geography, management, sport
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family: "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied: "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
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has 61.94 % from 82 votes. More jokes about: computer, dad, family, IT
Q: What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl? A: "Just flush it like everybody else does."
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has 61.71 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: blonde, communication, dirty, family, stupid
Your mama is so ugly that I guess you can say that the genes passed down.
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has 61.63 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: family, insulting, ugly, Yo mama
Q: What do you call a family full of cancer patients? A: Jason Voorhees' relatives.
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has 61.63 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: family, health, medical
A guy buys his first motorcycle. The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting. A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house. Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break. After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her. Silence. Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table. Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance. The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket. "OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"
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has 60.75 % from 216 votes. More jokes about: dad, family, marriage, sex, weather
When we moved to the US I was 8 years old. I remember asking my father if I can have an allowance? When he asked me what that was, I said you're allowed to give me money.
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has 60.15 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: age, family, geography, life, money
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