When Chuck Norris was 8 years old he got into a pillow fight with his older brother, that's why he's now an only child.
What do your parents' car and testicles have in common? Hit either one of them and you're grounded.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
Your mama is so ugly that I guess you can say that the genes passed down.
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window. After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
Q: What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl? A: "Just flush it like everybody else does."
A single car crash kills a Mexican family. 15 people died.
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
What is the perfect Father's Day gift? Taking your Mom away on a vacation with you.
I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea. They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.