The best family jokes

Little Johnny returns from school and says: "Mam, in school we write dirty swear-words so often!" "But I hope you are not writing them, my son." "No, I'm dictating them!"
Vote: has 49.30 % from 26 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: family, little Johnny, school
A school bus driver stopped the vehicle to take little George out. The kid opened the door and saw his grandmother reaching her hands to grab him. The driver though, to make sure that that person is really a family member, asks the kid. "Is this really your grandmother?" "Yes. She visits every Christmas!" "Very good! And when she stays at he rest of the year?" the driver insists. "At the airport!," says the kid and continues, "Whenever we feel like, we go there and we take her home..."
Vote: has 48.78 % from 21 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: airplane, Christmas, family, kids
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny... Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"
Vote: has 48.55 % from 110 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: beauty, communication, family, little Johnny, teacher
Yo mamma is so fat, when she went on a cruise, a walrus jumped aboard and started singing 'we are family'.
Vote: has 48.26 % from 16 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: family, fat, insulting, Yo mama
Q: What do you throw to a drowning black man? A: The rest of his family.
Vote: has 48.11 % from 109 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black people, family, racist
One day Adam and his parents were at the mall. Adams mum gave him a $5 note and sent him on his way. He got a bag of chips and a drink. He went outside and his mum and dad weren't there.
Vote: has 47.37 % from 18 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: family, food, kids, mean, money
Three men stranded on an island. They were walking across the sand when they came across a magic lamp; they rubbed the lamp and out came a genie. The genie said "you have three wishes but make it quick." So they thought about what they were going to wish for. The one man said, "I wish I was at home with my family." So the genie said your wish is my command, and he was gone, then the second man said "I wish I was in the pub with my mates." So he was gone. The last man said, "I am lonely and I want my friends back."
Vote: has 47.24 % from 38 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: desert island, family, friendship, genie
Cannibal Son: Mom, I don't like my brother anymore. Cannibal Mother: You shut up and eat!
Vote: has 44.92 % from 17 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: disgusting, family, food
Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'" Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?" Mother: "Because we need the eggs."
Vote: has 43.40 % from 35 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, baby, family, food, kids
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
Vote: has 43.39 % from 37 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dating, family, food, marriage


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