The best family jokes

Q: Why is a sheep better than a woman? A: A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.
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has 73.31 % from 49 votes. More jokes about: animal, dirty, family, sex, women
An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you…" "You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what’s the catch?"
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has 72.77 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: age, family, husband, lawyer, money
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck? A: You kick his sister in the jaw.
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has 72.63 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: family, mean, redneck
Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse. They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...
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has 72.60 % from 61 votes. More jokes about: cop, family, soccer, sport
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I buzz you in. Come inside and elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? "What... You're coming empty handed?"
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has 72.55 % from 91 votes. More jokes about: family, jewish, mean
The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
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has 72.31 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: age, family, men, money, women
"Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?" "My name is Paul."
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has 71.76 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: family, mean
When Chuck Norris was 8 years old he got into a pillow fight with his older brother, that's why he's now an only child.
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has 71.76 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: age, Chuck Norris, family
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
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has 71.44 % from 255 votes. More jokes about: family, life, work
"Yes brother," says Paddy. "Well I'm going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick. "It'll be an honour to do that for you Mick," says Paddy. A month later Paddy calls Mick. "Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl, their beautiful," says Paddy. "That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick. "I called the girl Deniece," says Paddy. "And what did you call the boy?" "I called the boy De nephew."
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has 71.29 % from 58 votes. More jokes about: baby, business, family, kids