My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.
Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other "I don't like your friend." The other one said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables."
Q: What does a kitty like to eat for breakfast? A: Mice Krispies.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "Hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "Yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!' The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman: - Do you have any bananas? - No,I don't. ( says the barman) - Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey) - No,I have not got any bananas! - Do you have any bananas? - If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter! - Do you have any nails? - No,I don't. - Do you have any bananas?
Chuck Norris once won the title of Iron Chef by cooking instant ramen noodles.
Yo mama is so stupid when you asked her to grab McDonald's she brings the building home.
Q: What do you call fake spaghetti? A: "I'm pasta."