Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made all the appetisers herself and we have a caterer coming in to provide plenty of sandwiches and cakes for all of our guests." "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you properly prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
Your theeth are so yellow when you opend the popcorn packet it said "We are family."
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops? A: So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.
Yo' mama's breath so nasty, I don't know whether to give her Tic-Tacs or toilet paper!
One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit. He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts. Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"
Q: What happens when you stick you hand in a jar of jellybeans? A: The black ones steal your watch.
It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds. An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.
When Chuck Norris wants salad, he eats a vegetarian.
Q: What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day? A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.