A woman is very overweight and goes to see a weight therapist. The woman asks for some good advices. The therapist answers like this: "Well you just need to turn your head to the right and to the left when someone asks you if you want to eat at McDonalds."
Every morning Chuck Norris eats a bowl of nails for Breakfast... without milk.
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup." Waiter: "That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much."
A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast." And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt." Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was." But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down up and down... and he asks, "But where did you get this twitch?" The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch, I'm chewing bubble gum."
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For windowsills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule To never tell a human that The world is really ruled by cats!
Are your legs made of Nutella? Because I'd love to spread them!
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized."
Yo' Mama is so nasty, when I asked what was for dinner, she took off her shoe and said, "Corns."
Q: What happens when you stick you hand in a jar of jellybeans? A: The black ones steal your watch.
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.