Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Chuck Norris doesn't use a coffee maker, he puts the coffee beans in his mouth and boils them with his rage.
Cletus Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos. He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object. The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?" He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
Rabbit: "Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?" Doctor: "Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another."
What do you call a baby potato? A small fry.
When Chuck Norris eats dinner at a restaurant, the wait staff tips him.
Chuck Norris can eat the inside of an orange without peeling it.
I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café. They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman's. "What type of pie is Herman's?" I asked the waiter. "Apple," he said. "Then why is it called Herman's pie?" "Because Herman called in to reserve it."
When Chuck Norris opens a bag of Doritos, it's fucking full!
Chuck Norris can toast bread in a freezer.