A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
A preacher's wife goes to the butcher. The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham. The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo. That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?" His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo. At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham." The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow? He wanted rich milk.
Q: What do you call a cow playing with its self? A: Beef stroganoff.
Your theeth are so yellow when you opend the popcorn packet it said "We are family."
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!" came the reply
Three guys are stranded on a island; black guy, white guy, and a Mexican. They come across a Indian tribe, the chief said" go into the forest and pick a fruit and bring it back. We are going to shove it up your ass, if you scream we will cut off your head". The white guy goes in and brings back a banana they shove it up his ass he screamed soo they cut off his head. The Mexican goes in and comes back with a grape they shove it up his ass he screams. They all look at his and ask" why you scream?" The Mexican says" because the black guy is coming back with a watermelon.
*Girl is crying* Dad: Why you crying? Girl: My boyfriend dumped me! Dad: (Grabs shot gun) I'll be back.. A while later dad comes back Girl: What the hell! why did you go kill him! Dad: I didn't Girl: Where did you go? Dad: To get you icecream :D Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun?! Dad: So I could get it for free!
Q: How do you find how many fat people are in America? A: Throw a cookie into the street.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because he saw the salad dressing.