An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."
First soldier: “Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?” Second soldier: “No way, Jose!” First soldier: “Whyever not?” Second soldier: “It’s against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!”
Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions? A: Tear gas.
Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they’d break.
Chuck Norris scares cows so bad, milk comes out their nose.
Chuck Norris can make a pound cake with only an ounce.
When Chuck Norris bakes cookies for his enemies, he adds his own secret ingredient to make a special taste to it. Its called "defeat".
Life is like a box of chocolates: A lot of people can't stand the dark ones.
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup." Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."
The bean soup I'd ordered was mostly water. I decided to tell the waitress. "This soup is awful," I said. "I know," she said. "I don't like bean soup either."