Customer: "Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?" Waiter: "I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller."
Why did the tomato turn red? Because he saw the salad dressing.
A preacher's wife goes to the butcher. The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham. The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo. That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?" His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo. At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham." The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
A man and his wife go to the doctor to see how they could improve their sex life. The doctor recommends Viagra. They come back and see him in a couple of weeks. The doctor says "how was the Viagra?" The wife says "great I love it." Husband says "I like it but it has some side effects, we're bared from McDonald's for life."
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow? He wanted rich milk.
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!" came the reply
Q: What do you call a cow playing with its self? A: Beef stroganoff.
I'm not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween, she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
Three guys are stranded on a island; black guy, white guy, and a Mexican. They come across a Indian tribe, the chief said" go into the forest and pick a fruit and bring it back. We are going to shove it up your ass, if you scream we will cut off your head". The white guy goes in and brings back a banana they shove it up his ass he screamed soo they cut off his head. The Mexican goes in and comes back with a grape they shove it up his ass he screams. They all look at his and ask" why you scream?" The Mexican says" because the black guy is coming back with a watermelon.