Every morning Chuck Norris eats a bowl of nails for Breakfast... without milk.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle's wife? He was an aunteater.
Your theeth are so yellow when you opend the popcorn packet it said "We are family."
A woman is very overweight and goes to see a weight therapist. The woman asks for some good advices. The therapist answers like this: "Well you just need to turn your head to the right and to the left when someone asks you if you want to eat at McDonalds."
Q: What do you call a cow playing with its self? A: Beef stroganoff.
A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long. Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times. After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital. "How's the food there?" asks the hooker. "Because I'm going in there tomorrow!"
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland. On the third day, they visited a farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese. The young farmer's wife gave them a tour, a cheese making a demonstration, and finally some samples. As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats. She said, "This is a special pasture where we let our older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States, what do you do with your old goats?" An old lady piped up, "Honey, they take us on bus tours."