Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, but nothing compared to you.
There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road kill. The first bum went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?" He replied, "No I think I'll wait." So they continue down the road and the first bum said, "Look - some more road kill, I'm still hungry. How about you?" His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait." The first bum ate the road kill. Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street. Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke. The first bum said, "I thought you weren't hungry?" His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."
What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common? There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.
Rabbit: "Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?" Doctor: "Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another."
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a commentator.
Chuck Norris can eat the inside of an orange without peeling it.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have? Plenty of milk.
Q: What is the diffrence between a black guy and a pizza A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
*Girl is crying* Dad: Why you crying? Girl: My boyfriend dumped me! Dad: (Grabs shot gun) I'll be back.. A while later dad comes back Girl: What the hell! why did you go kill him! Dad: I didn't Girl: Where did you go? Dad: To get you icecream :D Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun?! Dad: So I could get it for free!
Life is like a box of chocolates: A lot of people can't stand the dark ones.