Men are like... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Chuck Norris does not need pressure cookers. The food cooks itself out of pressure.
Wheaties is the breakfast of champions, not for Chuck Norris. He eats Chucky Charms, which contains diamonds, sulfuric acid, and radioactive uranium.
What happened when a cannibal went on a self-catering holiday? He ate himself.
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
A waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks, "Is anything OK?"
Q: What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with? A: Why, shortbread of course!
A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her, so she decides to leave him a present. When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video. He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video. On TV, he sees his wife sucking his best friend's d**k. He comes in her mouth, and she immediately spits the jizz into a bowl of cookie dough. Then she turns to the camera. "Oh, hello, I want a divorce."
If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.
Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple? A: Finding half a worm."