The best food jokes

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy ambassador at a very expensive restaurant in New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by her beauty that he asked her to marry him. The secretary knew she couldn't insult a foreign dignitary, so she decided to let him down easy. "I'll only marry you under three conditions." "Anything, anything," said the ambassador. "First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72-karat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement." The ambassador picked up his cell phone, called his personal accountant, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" "Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons, along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France." The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal brokers in New York and France, and said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!" The secretary knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis." A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
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has 57.86 % from 92 votes. More jokes about: food, marriage
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!" The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second. At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel.Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved." Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."
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has 57.73 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: animal, food, lawyer
Q: Whats worse then a barrel of dead babies? A: There is one at the bottom that is still alive. Q: Whats worse then that? A: He has to eat his way out. Q: Whats worse then that? A: He goes back for more.
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has 57.42 % from 333 votes. More jokes about: black humor, dead baby, food
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. “Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?” the Doc asked. “No,” replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. “I could only do about 15 minutes!”
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has 57.36 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: doctor, food, men, time
What do spiders like to order at a fast food restaurant? Burgers and flies.
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has 57.36 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: animal, food
What do cows read at the breakfast table? The moospaper.
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has 57.36 % from 83 votes. More jokes about: animal, food
Yo mama is so poor that she washes paper plates.
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has 57.23 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: food, money, Yo mama
Chuck Norris can turn a vegan into a cannibal.
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has 57.17 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, food
Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple? A: Finding half a worm."
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has 57.17 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: animal, disgusting, food
That moment when you notice that one fork isn't really very clean when you're laying the table and you have to decide which family member you like the least.
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has 57.17 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: dirty, disgusting, family, food
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