A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast.
At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.
The man said that he actually felt worse.
“Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?” the Doc asked.
“No,” replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. “I could only do about 15 minutes!”
What do spiders like to order at a fast food restaurant?
Burgers and flies.
Yo mama is so poor that she washes paper plates.
Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm."
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Yo mama so fat that when she sat on a rainbow she made Skittles!
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932.
The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
“I invested that nickel in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
Why did the cannibal live on his own?
He was fed up with other people.
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Q: Why did the blonde keep an empty carton of milk in the fridge?
A: In case she wanted black coffee.
That moment when you notice that one fork isn't really very clean when you're laying the table and you have to decide which family member you like the least.
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When Chuck Norris opens a bag of Doritos, it's fucking full!
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