If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it? Jawbreakers.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
"Why are you studying your Easter candy?" "I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!"
I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea. They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.
My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful? It's mashing!
Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."
A boy asks his mother for breakfast. She says, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicks the chicken. He does the same with the cow and the pig. The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon." Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"
Yo' Mama is so nasty, she uses bacon as bandages.
If kim kardashian was a donut wat kind would she be? Chocolate filled.