A husband is watching footie when his wife interrupts, "Honey, the hallway light has been flickering for weeks. Can you fix it?"
He angrily looks at her and says, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!"
"Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn’t close right."
"Fix the Fridge Door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so!"
"Ok", she says, "then you could at least fix the front door steps. They’re about to break."
"I ain’t no damn Carpenter and I don’t wanna fix any steps," he says. "Does it look like I’ve got ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough. I’m off to the bar!"
After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife.
As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed.
As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Darling, how’d you get all this fixed?"
She replies: "Well, after you left I was sitting outside crying when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Helo...Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
An American family has grandparents who live in Russia.
Every month, the grandparents send a package of powder to the American family.
The package always says: "Just add water."https://unijokes.com/
Every time the family does this the powder turns into a delicious soup.
The soups are always different and the family is always excited to find out which new foreign flavor they get to try out.
One day, the family receives a package in the mail containing some gray powder.
Assuming that this is another soup, the family dumps it into a pot and adds some water.
However, unlike all the other soups, this one t astes grainy and disgusting.
The family still eats it though just to be polite.
A week later, a letter from the grandpa comes in the mail saying: "Grandma Taya has died and I have sent the ashes to you. She wants to be scattered in America as that is her favorite place."
Chuck Norris once won the title of Iron Chef by cooking instant ramen noodles.
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Yo mama so fat and stupid, she went to a grocery store and tried to gamble at Butterball.
Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are
A husband and wife go to a restaurant.
The waiter approaches the table to take their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.
"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."
When Chuck Norris cuts onions, the onins cry.
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Two cannibals were having lunch.
"Your wife makes a great soup," said one to the other.
"Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."
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I'm like happy meal.
"Coz you are small and pretty?"
"No, coz I always c*m with a toy inside.
When Chuck Norris opens a bag of Doritos, it's fucking full!
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