Yo mama so fat she puts insurance on her food.
Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual? No, only medium rare.
Why did the horses kept saying orange juice? Because a filly gulped to much orange juice that she turned orange!
The last time Chuck Norris was hungry, all the dinosaurs suddenly got extinct...
What did the cannibal say when he was full? I couldn't eat another mortal.
During the Iraq War, As a soldier was saying good-bye to his family, his five-year-old son, James, held his leg and started pleading not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating. They were beginning to make a scene when his wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, James loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."
One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos" So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos" Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said "Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!
A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband. "But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter. "Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A: A dic-tater.