The best food jokes

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy ambassador at a very expensive restaurant in New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by her beauty that he asked her to marry him. The secretary knew she couldn't insult a foreign dignitary, so she decided to let him down easy. "I'll only marry you under three conditions." "Anything, anything," said the ambassador. "First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72-karat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement." The ambassador picked up his cell phone, called his personal accountant, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" "Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons, along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France." The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal brokers in New York and France, and said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!" The secretary knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis." A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
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has 56.55 % from 89 votes. More jokes about: food, marriage
Chuck Norris can make a pound cake with only an ounce.
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has 56.36 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, food
Chuck Norris and Hitler were sitting in a cafe. Chuck said, "I don't like the juice." Hitler heard him wrong.
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has 56.28 % from 146 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, food, Hitler, racist
Signs You're No Longer in College... You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close. Your potted plants stay alive. You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill. Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces. You attend parties that the police don't raid. You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking. You refer to college students as "those kids." You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza. At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out. Naps are no longer weekday options. Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy. Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips. You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.
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has 56.20 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: college, divorce, food, marriage, money
What is the difference between mayonnaise and semen? Mayonnaise doesn't shoot down your throat at 40 miles per hour.
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has 56.20 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: dirty, food
One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos" So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos" Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said "Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!
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has 56.17 % from 78 votes. More jokes about: dirty, food, sex
At work, a blonde notices her that cubicle mate has a thermos. She asks him what it's for, and he responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." The blonde immediately buys one. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it. Her cube mate asks, "What do you have in it?" The blonde says, "Soup and ice cream."
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has 56.05 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: blonde, food, work
Why was the cannibal looking peeky? Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!
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has 56.05 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: animal, black humor, dog, food
A kid walks up to his teacher and says "When is lunch." The teacher said "When its my break." "Your break for what? the kid asks. "My break up" the teacher said.
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has 56.05 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: food, kids, relationship, teacher, time
Q: What do you call an Asian family tree? A: A rice bush.
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has 55.64 % from 82 votes. More jokes about: asian, family, food, life, racist
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