What did the potato chip say to the battery? If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, she put a cucumber in her panties and pulled out a pickle.
Yo' Mama is so fat, when she rubs her legs together, I smell bacon.
What do you call a bull that runs into a threshing machine? Hamburger.
I still don't understand why smoking weed makes you a criminal... When I smoke it the only thing I a threat to is cake.
An American family has grandparents who live in Russia. Every month, the grandparents send a package of powder to the American family. The package always says: "Just add water."https://unijokes.com/ Every time the family does this the powder turns into a delicious soup. The soups are always different and the family is always excited to find out which new foreign flavor they get to try out. One day, the family receives a package in the mail containing some gray powder. Assuming that this is another soup, the family dumps it into a pot and adds some water. However, unlike all the other soups, this one t astes grainy and disgusting. The family still eats it though just to be polite. A week later, a letter from the grandpa comes in the mail saying: "Grandma Taya has died and I have sent the ashes to you. She wants to be scattered in America as that is her favorite place."
Q: What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? A: "Would you like fries with that?"
My wife left for her Father's home for vacation yesterday, when I was at my office. When I reached home, I found this note stick on the television. I am going to My Mom's Place for 6-7 days with kids and these are the instructions and warnings for you.... - No need to call your friends and cousins. Last time I got 4 large pizza bills beneath the sofa... 2 - Don't forget mobile on the soap holder in the bathroom like last time... Why would anyone need a mobile in the bathroom? 3 - Keep your spe cs in the box.. Last time around it was found in the refrigerator. 4 - Salary already paid to maid. No need to be extra generous. 5 - Don't disturb neighbors early in the morning asking if they have got newspaper or not? Our newspaper vendor is different from theirs... And our laundry person and milkman are also different. 6 - Your Underwear are on left side of wardrobe and on right side are kids'... Like last time, don't say I was uncomfortable at work.... 7 - All reports have been checked and you are alright. No need to go to that young lady doctor again and again. 8 - My sister and Bhabhi's birthdays have gone last month which you have already attended. No need to go to them at midnight and wish belated happy birthday.. 9 - Have cut off WiFi for 10 days. So sleep early.... 10 - Stop smiling and being happy... as Mrs. Khanna, Mrs. Avasthi, Mrs. Kulkarni, Mrs. Trivedi, Mrs. Ansari, Mrs. Rastogi, Mrs. Chatteerjee... They all w ill be out of station in this period.... 11. Do not knock on the doors of that KALMUHI Priya, next door, on pretext of asking Sugar milk coffee powder or so one. I stocked all these in kitchen cabinet. rnrnAnd last but not the least. 12 - Don't try to be oversmart.. rnI may be back any moment without informing you. Happy vacation
A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband. "But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter. "Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."