Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
What did the cannibal say when he was full? I couldn't eat another mortal.
Inside a Best Buy store. Customer: "Can you help me? I'm looking for a shredder." Coworker: "We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily?" Customer: "Collard greens."
A woman asks an agriculturalist: "Please, tell me what shall I do? I have a garden but nothing grows there, like flowers or vegetables." The agriculturalist says: "You know, it is to dung the garden with a good fertilizer." The woman says: "And wouldn´t it be better to plant the vegetables directly into the ass?"
Superman is weakened when exposed to Kryptonite. Chuck Norris eats Kryptonite for breakfast without even a belch.
I went to the seaside yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign which said "Lobster tails £1". I gave the man the money and he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."
Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: One scoop of ice cream and Two scoops of dead baby.
There was a black guy, white guy, and a Mexican on a ship. The ship was sinking so the black guy said, "quick throw off anything we don't need." The Mexican threw off tacos, the black guy thre off fried chicken and the white guy threw off the black guy and the Mexican.
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?" "Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: "The salt was low." "Pick up bread. We be back." Grease all over my stove they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.