The retired man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over.
Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor replies, "OK.
Touch your elbow."
The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, then states, "Touch your head."
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony.
The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, "We've found your problem."
"Oh yeah?
What is it?" asks the retiree.
The Doctor remarks, "You've broken your finger!"
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A guy is going down on a prostitute.
During the process he pulls out a piece of corn.
Mildly disgusted, he tries to forget about it and continues.
Then he finds a chunk of carrot and a pea, and he says, "I think I am going to be sick."
The whore looks up and says, "That's what the last guy said!"
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Chuck Norris once caught a cold, then he killed it!
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Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."
Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with herpes?
A: The guy who gave it to him.
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A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,
"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
If Chuck Norris had to he could give CPR to himself.
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Ten years without brushing causes horrible tooth decade.
A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, "I've not seen you for a while."
The man replies, "Yes, I've been ill."
Chuck Noris once got his blood tested.
His blood type was AK-47.
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