Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets." Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. The maître d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here." "But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog." The maître d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table. His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. "You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d' says. "A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"
There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left. The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn. The first man said: "Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack." That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said. "Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me" That is to horrific. He asked the third man how he died and he said. "Well imagine that I was naked in a refrigerator..."
Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?" "I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk to do that."
Two Generals were preparing for battle. The first General calls his aide and says "Bring me my red uniform!" The other General asks why he would wear a red uniform. The first General explains that if he gets wounded then his soldiers won't see the blood and lose their courage. The other General thinks about this, then calls to his aide "Bring me my brown uniform!"
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... The ass hole is usually in charge.
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?" "Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie." "I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too." "I'd like to see that." So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!" "Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said: "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
A fat lady (To a health expert): "Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness." Health expert: "Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time." Fat lady: "At which particular time?" Health expert: "Whenever anybody asks you to eat."
Me: "I only smoke weed because of Cancer." Mom: "You don't have Cancer!" Me: "So it's working..."
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…