The best health jokes

You are in my heart, you are in my blood, you are in all my body. Alas, my doc says: "You are a parasite!"
Vote: has 76.80 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: doctor, flirt, health, mean, romantic
Doctor: "You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!" Patient: "And that's what I did. And it wasn't easy because up until now I didn't smoke at all!"
Vote: has 76.27 % from 34 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: communication, doctor, health, stupid
Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano? A: Crabs on your organ.
Vote: has 76.06 % from 28 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, health
One of my friends returned from Afghanistan and I asked him if he is going to the party tomorrow. He said he can't walk.
Vote: has 75.17 % from 53 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, health, military, party, war
If Chuck Norris had to he could give CPR to himself.
Vote: has 74.94 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
What do you do for exercise? I lift weights. What do you do for cardio? I lift weights faster.
Vote: has 74.94 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fitness, gym, health
Chuck Norris' pulse-rate is measured on the Richter Scale.
Vote: has 74.74 % from 104 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker. The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”? The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”
Vote: has 74.58 % from 166 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: celebrity, dirty, health, hospital, masturbation
How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.
Vote: has 73.93 % from 55 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, health
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” The doctor replied, “Show me.” So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again. She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
Vote: has 73.90 % from 96 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: doctor, health, women