The best health jokes

What do you do for exercise? I lift weights. What do you do for cardio? I lift weights faster.
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has 76.05 % from 110 votes. More jokes about: fitness, gym, health
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack. "How did that happen?" asks the first guy. "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot." "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
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has 75.65 % from 84 votes. More jokes about: death, health, heaven, life, wife
Q: What is the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone? A: You can't hear a vitamin.
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has 75.38 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: health, insulting, medical, women
If you carefully examine your health insurance policy, you will see that there is no cover for "Chuck Norris related incidents".
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has 74.94 % from 155 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer's and diarrhea. You're running, but can't remember where.
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has 74.83 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: health
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if your sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
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has 74.55 % from 94 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, health, heaven
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker. The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”? The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”
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has 74.26 % from 267 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, dirty, health, hospital, masturbation
Q: What is the first symptom of AIDS? A: A sharp pain in the ass.
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has 73.90 % from 78 votes. More jokes about: health, medical, sex
Did you hear about the man whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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has 73.53 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: communication, health
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"
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has 73.48 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: animal, health
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