Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
If you carefully examine your health insurance policy, you will see that there is no cover for "Chuck Norris related incidents".
"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?" "First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if your sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
You are in my heart, you are in my blood, you are in all my body. Alas, my doc says: "You are a parasite!"
What do you do for exercise? I lift weights. What do you do for cardio? I lift weights faster.
Benefits of having Alzheimer's: You can wrap your own presents. You are always meeting new friends.
What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
The Teacher asked Little Johnny, "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?" Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker. The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”? The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”