The best health jokes

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker. The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”? The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”
Vote: has 75.97 % from 190 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, dirty, health, hospital, masturbation
The Teacher asked Little Johnny, "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?" Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."
Vote: has 75.86 % from 258 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, health, little Johnny, teacher
Chuck Norris once caught the Ebola virus, it's been on the run ever since.
Vote: has 75.38 % from 38 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
Teacher (on phone): "You say Michael has a cold and can't come to school today? To whom am I speaking?" Voice: "This is my father."
Vote: has 75.19 % from 48 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dad, health, kids, teacher
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
Vote: has 75.19 % from 48 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, food, health
Chuck Norris' pulse-rate is measured on the Richter Scale.
Vote: has 75.05 % from 110 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."
Vote: has 74.36 % from 56 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, doctor, health
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack. "How did that happen?" asks the first guy. "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot." "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
Vote: has 74.17 % from 65 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, health, heaven, life, wife
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
Vote: has 73.93 % from 55 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, doctor, health
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” The doctor replied, “Show me.” So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again. She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
Vote: has 73.90 % from 96 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: doctor, health, women


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