The best health jokes

Did you hear about the man whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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has 76.89 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: communication, health
The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news." "What's the bad news?" asks the accused. "The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it." "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is 130."
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has 76.89 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: communication, health, lawyer, prison
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"
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has 76.80 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: animal, health
What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
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has 76.28 % from 145 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, fart, health
Benefits of having Alzheimer's: You can wrap your own presents. You are always meeting new friends.
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has 75.97 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: friendship, health, memory
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if your sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
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has 75.92 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, health, heaven
The Teacher asked Little Johnny, "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?" Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."
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has 75.77 % from 266 votes. More jokes about: animal, health, little Johnny, teacher
Q: Why is a blood bank more profitable than a sperm bank? A: The sperm is handmade.
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has 75.62 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: dirty, health, money
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker. The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”? The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”
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has 75.28 % from 207 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, dirty, health, hospital, masturbation
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.
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has 75.27 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: customer service, health, mean
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