Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano? A: Crabs on your organ.
Q: Why is a blood bank more profitable than a sperm bank? A: The sperm is handmade.
Chuck Norris once caught a cold, then he killed it!
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker. The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”? The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”
I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."
Q: What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses? A: Bronchitis.
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!
Chuck Norris' pulse-rate is measured on the Richter Scale.