The best health jokes

If you carefully examine your health insurance policy, you will see that there is no cover for "Chuck Norris related incidents".
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has 75.31 % from 162 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
What do you do for exercise? I lift weights. What do you do for cardio? I lift weights faster.
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has 75.13 % from 115 votes. More jokes about: fitness, gym, health
Q: What is the first symptom of AIDS? A: A sharp pain in the ass.
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has 74.81 % from 81 votes. More jokes about: health, medical, sex
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer's and diarrhea. You're running, but can't remember where.
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has 74.63 % from 71 votes. More jokes about: health
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” The doctor replied, “Show me.” So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again. She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
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has 74.61 % from 108 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, women
The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt. As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest. Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked an bewildered, the health inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen. "That's nothing," replied the manager, "You should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"
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has 74.43 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: food, health, life
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if your sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
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has 74.40 % from 98 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, health, heaven
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"
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has 74.15 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: animal, health
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker. The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”? The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”
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has 73.74 % from 274 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, dirty, health, hospital, masturbation
Breaking news: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 23 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable.
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has 73.64 % from 95 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, hospital
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