The best health jokes

"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?" So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose... you must be a bunny rabbit!" The little blind bunny was so pleased with this that he danced with joy. The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?" The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a lawyer."
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has 80.52 % from 49 votes. More jokes about: animal, health, lawyer
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…
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has 80.38 % from 336 votes. More jokes about: health, life, math, phone
Me: "I only smoke weed because of Cancer." Mom: "You don't have Cancer!" Me: "So it's working..."
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has 80.15 % from 61 votes. More jokes about: family, health, weed
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory." Friend: "What did he do?" Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
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has 79.60 % from 53 votes. More jokes about: doctor, friendship, health, memory, money
An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says "I got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's." And the old man says "At least I don't have Cancer."
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has 79.48 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, old people
I can't tell if I'm depressed or just an adult.
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has 79.06 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: age, health, life
My Grandma is in her 90's and she still doesn't need glasses. She just drinks straight out of the bottle.
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has 78.77 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: age, alcohol, health
Q: What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? A: "Some asshole has my pen!"
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has 78.55 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: communication, health, nurse
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
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has 78.40 % from 555 votes. More jokes about: black humor, Chuck Norris, health
Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
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has 78.31 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: age, birthday, health, life
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