The best health jokes

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew. After some time, one said to the other, "If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck." "Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee." His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued. "You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off." "My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?" "Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye." "My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out?" "No, that was the first day I had my hook."

The Teacher asked Little Johnny, "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?" Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."

Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory." Friend: "What did he do?" Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."

Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano? A: Crabs on your organ.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

If you carefully examine your health insurance policy, you will see that there is no cover for "Chuck Norris related incidents".

A few guys tried to follow Chuck Norris during a light workout while he was vacationing in Hawaii. It's now called the Ironman Triathlon.

An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says "I got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's." And the old man says "At least I don't have Cancer."

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"

Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!