Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"
Chuck Norris once caught the Ebola virus, it's been on the run ever since.
Chuck Norris once caught AIDS... but then he let it go.
Me: "I only smoke weed because of Cancer." Mom: "You don't have Cancer!" Me: "So it's working..."
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."
The Teacher asked Little Johnny, "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?" Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."
An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says "I got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's." And the old man says "At least I don't have Cancer."
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!
Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
You are in my heart, you are in my blood, you are in all my body. Alas, my doc says: "You are a parasite!"