My Grandma is in her 90's and she still doesn't need glasses. She just drinks straight out of the bottle.
Drink water, let's surprise the liver!
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory." Friend: "What did he do?" Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Laughing is always good except when you have diarrhea.
Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
Benefits of having Alzheimer's: You can wrap your own presents. You are always meeting new friends.
Did you hear about the man whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if your sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.