Chuck Norris once caught AIDS... but then he let it go.
Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?" "First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
Teacher (on phone): "You say Michael has a cold and can't come to school today? To whom am I speaking?" Voice: "This is my father."
An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says "I got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's." And the old man says "At least I don't have Cancer."
How do you know Charles Sweeney was dyslexic? He wanted to order the flaming saganagi, but he accidentally ordered a flaming Nagasaki.
Doctor: "You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!" Patient: "And that's what I did. And it wasn't easy because up until now I didn't smoke at all!"
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
The Teacher asked Little Johnny, "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?" Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."
Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano? A: Crabs on your organ.