The best jewish jokes

Q: Why is it good to have a Jewish car? A: It can stop on a dime, and pick it up for you too!
Vote: has 75.97 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, jewish, life
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it?" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"
Vote: has 75.93 % from 245 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: catholic, church, jewish, money, racist
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I buzz you in. Come inside and elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? "What... You're coming empty handed?"
Vote: has 74.21 % from 31 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, jewish, mean
Q: What do you call a flying Jew? A: Ashes.
Vote: has 73.53 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, death, jewish
An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip. Every now and then, the rabbi's grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable. After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, "I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What's your secret?" The rabbi replied: "Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of G‑d. So they look up to me. But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?"
Vote: has 72.56 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: airplane, god, jewish, religious, travel
How do you start a Jewish parade? Throw a penny down main street.
Vote: has 72.43 % from 99 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: jewish, money, racist
How do you tell when time is reversing? When a Jew drops a coin on the ground.
Vote: has 71.81 % from 117 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: jewish, money, racist
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." With deep self-righteous ndignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
Vote: has 69.44 % from 62 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: jewish, life, mexican
A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten. "Behave, my bubaleh," she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!" "And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh." "Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!" At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. "So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?" The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."
Vote: has 68.77 % from 83 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: jewish, racist, school
A man in a balaclava with a gun asked, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?" "Neither, I'm a Jew." "But are you a Protestant Jew or a Catholic Jew?"
Vote: has 68.45 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: catholic, jewish, religious