What animals do you bring to bed?
Your calves.
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On what should you mount a statue of your cat?
A caterpillar!
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle.
“That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle.
“I guess it’s hopeless.
That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine."
How does a frog confuse you?
When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better.
What's green with bumps?
A frog with the measles!
A baby snake asked it's mom, "Mommy are we poisonous?"
The mother snake responded, "Yes honey, but why do you want to know?"
The baby snake responded, "Because I just bit myself..."
What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel?
A bit of a shock really.
Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
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