Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Q: What is a crowbar? A: A place were crows go to get a drink!
A man has his car full of penguins. He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him. He says. "Hey, you! Yeah, you! You should take those penguins to the zoo!" The man does that. The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins. Once again he drives past the policeman. "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" "I did," replies the man. "We had so much fun that were going to the beach today!"
Q. Why did the man cross the road? A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
What's green with bumps? A frog with the measles!
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: What does a cooked chicken and a stoner who is afraid of everything have in common? A: They are both baked chickens.
Q: Why can't black kids play in the the sandbox? A: Because the cats keep covering them up.
Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
The mommy Cobra with her little son are taking a “walk”. The little cobra asks; "Mommy, are we poisonous?" "Yes, we are. Why you ask?" The little cobra asks again; "Are you sure that we’re poisonous?" "Yes I am!" says the mom with pride. The little one asks again; "Are you very very sure that we’re very poisonous?" "Damn sure! We’re the most poisonous snakes in the whole world! But why you ask?" The little cobra burst into tears; "Cause I bit my tongue a bit before!"
Chuck Norris is the most feared predator on the planet. That's why sharks have a Chuck Norris week.