Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
What happened to the lizard in the wizard's garden pond? He had him newt-ered.
The man comes home drunken but he goes to the piggery instead of the house. He lies down, he takes a look at the pig, caresses it and says: "Oh, it's you, darling, naked again?"
Q: What is the difference between a rooster and a whore? A: The rooster goes cock doodle do and the whore goes any cock do!
Why did the frog cross the street? Because the chicken crossed the road.
How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented? They were very impressed.
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck," the other added.
What do spiders like to order at a fast food restaurant? Burgers and flies.
What did the idiot call his pet zebra? Spot!
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.