Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
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Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda d to its every whim.
Chuck Norris can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass.
At Night.
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What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One said to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
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Q: What do women and cats have in common?
A: Pussy farts.
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A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" The lady confirmed,
"Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
Did you hear about the boy who was told to do 100 lines?
He drew 100 cats on the paper.
He thought the teacher had said lions.