What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
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Chuck Norris can turn a vegan into a cannibal.
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Two Muffins were baking in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!"
The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"
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Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.
One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.
"We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners.
They eat their fill and leave.
The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples."
It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.
An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.
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That moment when you notice that one fork isn't really very clean when you're laying the table and you have to decide which family member you like the least.
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Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz?
A: Cheez Whuz.
What is a bear's favourite drink?
Koka-Koala.
Q: Why did the blonde keep an empty carton of milk in the fridge?
A: In case she wanted black coffee.