What do you do when two snails have a fight? Leave them to slug it out.
Why did the zombie baby cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken.
Q: Why did the fat turkey cross the road? A: To get hit by my car.
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a venomous cobra .... After 5 days of excrutiating pain the cobra Eventually died
What's a rabbits favourite car? Any make, just as long it's a hutchback.
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, about half hour later they were both killed by a train.
What's red and green and goes at 100mph? A frog in a blender.
A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg when a man walked in looking to buy a pet. A shopkeeper came over and started to try and sell him a dog when the man noticed the parrot. He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeper replied, "Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, 'Polly wanna cracker'. If you pull the left string it says, 'my name's Sam'". The man being of the inquisitive nature tried both and thought it was really neat, but was still curious. So he asked what would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped up, "I'd fall off the perch you idiot!"
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig? (A teddy boar!)
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''