What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours? A hermit crab.
Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."
A little lizard was walking through the forest to see his pal the monkey. The monkey call out hey little buddy come up here I got some great pot. So the little lizard climbed up the tree. The little lizard and the monkey smoked a great big joint. The little lizard said hey this stuff is great but I have horrible cottonmouth. Well there is a river just down there. So the little lizard walk down the tree through the brush and started to drink the water. All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water. Hey little buddy waz up said the croc, "I just got stoned with my pal the monkey." "Really" said the croc, "where is he I want some." He is through the brush and up the tree. So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree. The monkey said "holy shit how much did you drink little buddy."
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare.
What is a nigger? Proof that skunks fuck monkeys.
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten-tickles.
What's red and green and goes at 100mph? A frog in a blender.
What is the definition of revenge? A baby with a dog in its mouth.
What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper? A slippery customer.
What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!