Joke #10808

A stallion and a mare where due to get married, but the stallion didn't show up at the church. He got colt feet.

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?  All the men stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'  All the women stood up.  'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'  Half the women stood up.  'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'  Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks. "No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope. "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?" "I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity. "Okay," moans Grumpy. So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves. Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any." And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"

Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church? A: Because they use such FOWL language.

Scooby Doo prefers Norris snacks'.

A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs. The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate." They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate." They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone. His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money." He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more." He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled: "S**t!" It took him two weeks to air out the church.

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush. "What the hell is this?" he asks the pastor. "Why, it's a toilet brush." "Ooh, I see," says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working. "Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper."

While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "Fuck you! " in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid."

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse. Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass. When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter. When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell. He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night."

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her but he can't. Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help. So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, "Don't worry. I got him with the door!"

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Ma'am", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday." There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."