A stallion and a mare where due to get married, but the stallion didn't show up at the church.
He got colt feet.
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The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope.
Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say.
He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," replies Grumpy.
"But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
"Okay," moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"
Vote:
Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: Because they use such FOWL language.
Vote:
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that damn gun..."
Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.”Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”
“It’s quite OK,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and find out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful” replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”
“Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.”
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I’d say you must be French”
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial?
Odour in court.
This old guy goes into a church in a small town in the hills of Italy and asks the priest to hear his confession.
The priest listens and then asks, "Is there anything else?"
The old guy says, "During the war, when I was young, a beautiful Germam girl came to my farm after escaping and asked me if I would hide her. I told her I would if she provided me with sexual favors."
The priest replies, "Don't worry about it. It was wartime and you both were under a lot of pressure."
The old guy says, "Does that mean that I have to tell her that the war is over?"
What's a moo hoo for grazing school?
Grass class.