Why couldn't the cow leave the farm?
She was pasteurized.
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At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet.
The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."
"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."
Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What happened?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.
"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
Name an animal that lives in Lapland?
A reindeer
Good, now name another.
Another reindeer!
What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear?
Hare today, gone tomorrow.
What do you call an easy-going rabbit?
Hoppy-go-lucky.
Q:What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
A:Mmmm, sandwiches!
Chuck Norris could stab you with a worm.
Vote:
Why did the gray whale go on a diet?
Because he wasn't a Fin whale.
One day a teacher asked the class, "What is the difference between a bird and a fly?"
A student then replied, "A bird can fly but a fly cannot bird."
Vote:
How do you shoot a great white shark?
Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue shark spear gun.