Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side… er, no… to go shopping… no, not that either… damn it!
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How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Look for gray hares.
A waitress walks up to a man to take his order.
"I'd like to get the turtle soup, please."
The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants the pea soup instead.
"Hold the turtle, make it pea!"
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Q: What is the difference between a mouse and a dick?
A: No difference. Both are searching a hole.
Yesterday I saw a man trying to chat up a cheetah.
‘Hello,’ I thought.
‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he ot it.
He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t!”
Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him?
He stung her into action.
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A: A bird that will talk your ear off!
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Chuck Norris bit a spider once then it became Spiderman!
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What do you call explosive cow vomit?
A cud missle.