Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side… er, no… to go shopping… no, not that either… damn it!
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Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him?
He stung her into action.
What is the fiercest flower in the garden?
The tiger lily.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
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What do cows do when they re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Q: Whats worse then finding half a worm in your apple?
A: The Holocaust.
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Q: What do you get when you cross donkey DNA with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.