What is the slowest racehorse in the world?
A clotheshorse.
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A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, finally the bear says, "excuse me ,do you have problems with crap sticking to your furr when you go?"
The rabbit replies, "WHY NO".....so then the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
A man started to town with a fox, a goose, and a sack of corn.
He came to a stream which he had to cross in a tiny boat.
He could only take one across at a time.
He could not leave the fox alone with the goose or the goose alone with the corn.
How did he get them all safely over the stream?
He took the goose over first and came back.
Then he took the fox across and brought the goose back.
Next he took the corn over.
He came back alone and took the goose.
I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirty joke."
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"
Me: "John"
Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have."
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: "I don't know? A lot?"
Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy."
Did you hear about the man with five keen senses?
He still lacked common and horse!
Yesterday I saw a man trying to chat up a cheetah.
‘Hello,’ I thought.
‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
Where do steers go to dance?
To the Meat Ball.
A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him.
He stopped one of the runners and asked, "What’s happening?"
The runner replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from the zoo."
"Oh my, which way is it heading?"
"Well you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?"
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
When Chuck Norris wants salmon he eats the bear too.
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