What is the slowest racehorse in the world?
A clotheshorse.
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I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
"You've given me one too many" I said.
"That one is a freebie"
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
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Where do cows like to ride on trains?
In the cow-boose.
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.
" The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."
Chuck Norris once round house kicked a bear while on a survival trek in Siberia.
That incident was known as the Tunguska event.
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Two men were walking along the street when they came upon a dog licking his dick.
One man said, "I sure wish I could do that."
The other replied, "You can, but you're probably going to have to pet him first."
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
Yo' Mama is so ugly, when I walked past your fence, she came out barking.
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead black person in the road?
There’s skid marks in front of the skunk.
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A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree.
He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?"
"Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."