What is the slowest racehorse in the world?
A clotheshorse.
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A stallion and a mare where due to get married, but the stallion didn't show up at the church.
He got colt feet.
Chuck Norris eats black holes for breakfast.
They taste like chicken.
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Q. What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?
A. Wheeeee.
How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?
They were very impressed.
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.
But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
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Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.
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Chuck Norris can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass.
At Night.
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What do you call a show full of lions?
The mane event.
A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."