What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elkaseltzer.
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A mans dog dies one day, and the man is very upset.
His dog did everything for him.
Washed the dishes.
Bought things from the shop.
The man was so upset, he decided to go and buy a new pet.
Once at the pet store, he asked the manager, "Do you have any pets that will do anything for me? My dog has just passed away and I want something to replace him."
The manager looks around.
"We don't have much, I'm afraid. Just this centipede here"
The man looks puzzled, but accepts the centipede anyway.
Back home, the man tests the centipede out.
"Go and bring me a beer from the fridge", he asks.
The centipede got to work straight away.
"Go and run a bath for me.“
The centipede did as asked once again.
The man, before getting in the bath, asks the centipede "Pop to the shop and buy me a newspaper please.“
The centipede does this.
An hour later, the man comes out of the bath, to find the centipede sitting at the bottom of the stairs, and hadn't yet gone to the shop.
"I thought I told you to go to the shop?"
The centipede replies "GIMMIE A CHANCE TO GET MI SHOES ON!"
Q:What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
A:Mmmm, sandwiches!
Why do cows like being told joke?
Because they like being amoosed.
What did the bee say to the flower?
"Hi, honey."
Why don't cows ever have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry.
Where do Russian cows come from?
Moscow.
What goes black white black white...?
A penguin rolling down a hill!
What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed him!
Animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A: Winnie the Pooh.
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