What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here." Helium doesn't react.
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it’s not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"
At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear. The judge asks the baby bear, "Do you want to live with papa bear?" The baby bear replied, "No he beats me." The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"
Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A: One molar solution.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten-tickles.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you? Your calves.
Dear Facebook, Everytime I add a girl you ask me "Do you know her? Is she your sister?"
Q: Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses? A: Because they don't C#.