Office executive "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?" Boss "Certainly not!" Office executive "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
There was an employment advertisement in an office. So a guy went there. Managrer asked him: "Do you know what is the meaning of Ph.D.?" The guy answered: "Passed High school with Difficulties."
The new office-boy came into his boss's office and said, "I think you re wanted on the phone, sir." "What d you mean, you think?" demanded the boss. "Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said is that you, you old fool?"
When the office printer color started to look a little off the manager called the local repair shop. To the manager's surprise, the clerk said that it would cost $50 but that he might try reading the manual and doing it himself. The manager replied in astonishment, does your boss know that you discourage business that way? "Yes", replied the clerk. It was his idea. We make more on repairs than cleaning printers if the owner tries to do it himself first.
Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.” Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
Toilets are like mothers-in-law: the farther away the better.
During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle. "Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said. "What fer?" asked Pyle. "Shorter hours." "Good fer them!" said the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!"
I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment." I said, "I don't get it." He said, "That's right."
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."