My girlfriend told me that will change me. I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!
A man gets the words 'I love you' tattoed to his penis. He goes home and shows his wife. His wife says, "Don't try to put words into my mouth!"
Me: "I love you." You: "Is that you or the wine talking?" Me: "It's me talking to the wine."
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong. "Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years." "That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"
My girlfriend said she wanted a perfect holiday, so I had to stay home!
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know." Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone." Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
A man goes into a florist and says, "I want to buy some flowers for my girlfriend". "Certainly sir", she responds, "and what in particular are you after"? After some thought, the man answers, "a shag".
When our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to come and take a look at it. It turned out to be a high school classmate of my husband's named Love. He said next time we needed any repairs to ask for him. The next year when we needed service again, we requested Mr. Love. I took the day off from work and waited for him to arrive. After he had worked on our air conditioner, he left his work order behind. It had my name and said: "Wants Love in afternoon."
I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you." I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She said, "It's me talking to the wine.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed: "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I...? A microwave?