Me: "I'm so lonely." Person: "Hey!" Me: "Leave me alone."
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".
Q: What's the difference between me and a calendar? A: A calendar has dates.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.
Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"
"You're single and I'm single too! You know what that means?" "What" "We're both ugly!"
Yo' Mama is so skanky, she went to a family reunion looking for a boyfriend.
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married.
What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.